Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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