Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
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