i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
