My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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