I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
