I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
And then he peed in my hair
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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