all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
