Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
