Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
