how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
