i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
