Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
