The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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