If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
