I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
smell my finger.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
