EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Text me some of your sweat
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