a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
