If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
