mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
