Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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