my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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