You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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