I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
