Who wears a wallet chain?!
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
