he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
