just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Randomize
