i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
