Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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