When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
