when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
