Already got asked if we're dating
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
