Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
