singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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