I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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