Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I would fuck him just for his dog
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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