Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
