Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
