I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
