I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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