I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
