you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
They took my balls.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
