How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
