I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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