and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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