Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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