I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
No subtext here. People are naked.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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