Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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