Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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