you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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