Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
